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[Feb. 17th, 2010|03:21 pm] |
Today's Ash Wednesday. I remember going to that a lot when I was a kid. They'd put all that nasty stuff on your forehead and you couldn't clean it off. I didn't get why God would want people to go around with ashes and shit on their forehead. I still don't get it. Not that I went this year, I haven't been to church in so long that I'm pretty sure if I showed up, I'd just burst into flames. Then again, I'm as old as Moses. He and I go way back, so maybe God will cut me some slack or something. He's gotta love people as old as he is, doesn't he?
It's getting to be near that time where my husband died a couple of years ago. I know that he probably wouldn't approve of all the shit I say, and the way I talk to people, but I just can't give a fuck anymore. I used to care what he thought, but he ain't here anymore, so why should I? It takes me hours to even write this stuff down on the internet to share it with you. Hell, I still don't know where the E button is half the time. Don't ask me to do anything fancy.
I guess I still miss him though. I miss his old ass. I always thought I'd kick the bucket before he did. But the good die young, and pricks live forever. And for what it's worth, I hope most of you didn't get a case of crabs this Valentine's Day.
Now hell, is it St. Patrick's day yet? I want a beer. |
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[Jan. 27th, 2010|01:31 pm] |
For the next person who thinks they have something to say to my daughter? You're going to have to answer to me instead.
And I am not fucking happy. |
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[Dec. 23rd, 2009|03:54 am] |
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I know what you're all thinking. There's probably some of you that think that I shouldn't hurt myself by doing such a thing. And there are those of you who think that it means they should be waiting for trouble. Well I can tell you all now to just shut the hell up. I'll think when I want to, trouble be damned. I've been doing a lot of thinking, just in general. Never really about one topic or another, and never for very long but I realize that I've been doing more thinking then I've been watching game shows all day long. I haven't been thinking about Christmas and cheery nonsense like that, because fuck Christmas. It's not that I'm a damn scrooge, like some of you crazy kids. And I ain't a Jew, so get that crap out of your head. Though you know once, I thought about switching over to Judaism? I think I might have been on LSD at the time, and we were near a synogogue but that's a different story for another time. I don't really give a damn about Santa, and people lately only buy presents so that they make people feel bad enough into getting them shit they don't need. You know what people need lately? Jobs. And something to hope for so they won't shoot themselves in the face, come New Year. That's what people need. Not a damn Wii or whatever the hell it's called.
The only thing about Christmas that I really still love is It's A Wonderful Life, mostly because I met Jimmy Stewart once. He was a nice guy, but I swear he was getting a handjob from the girl next to him. Had his coat over his lap and stuff, can you believe that? Any way, every time I see that movie, I think of good old Jimmy getting a handjob and thinking what it would be like if Jimmy didn't exist. Then sometimes it gets me to thinking about what would have happened if I hadn't ever been born. You'd all be shit out of luck, I can tell you that. I'm going to be 78 in a couple of weeks. I realize that I've done pretty much all I've thought about doing. Anywhere I said I wanted to travel to, I did. I raised a bunch of ungrateful brats, who I love more than anything. And I raised them well enough to do a fucking fantastic job raising their kids if I do say so myself. I was born during the Depression, in the Great Dust Bowl.. and now I'm sitting here, getting to watch a thousand damn channels on television and watching porn whenever I want to on this computer thing. I've lived a full life. Not that I'm thinking it's time for me to kick the bucket, but fuck I totally beat out Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, my bucket list is all scratched off. Suckers. If I can live long enough to see my grandkids get married, that would be great. If I live to see great grandchildren, I just might ask one of them to smother me with a pillow.
So fuck it. Happy holidays, and if you get to be as old as I am, just remember icy hot, and to take out your teeth before oral sex.
( Private to Skippy )
Christ, I need a gingerbread martini. |
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[Nov. 14th, 2009|12:19 am] |
I've been a nurse since 1953. I've seen a lot of different things. I've seen gunshot wounds, and men who had to get their legs cut off. I've seen people with their fingers lost, and people with really weird tumors. I've seen just about everything. Anything you can imagine. I don't really get very squeamish. I think the only thing I haven't seen is when guys take too much viagra and it won't go down? Only because I retired before they even came out with viagra, but that's besides the point. I've seen some horrific things, but nothing as horrific as what happened today. I was out in the yard, when I saw one of the older gentlemen who lives a couple of doors down taking his daily walk. He waved at me like he always does, and I waved at him like I always do. And then out of nowhere this dog came up behind him and pushed him down. The dog had him by his pants, and apparently the old geezer wasn't wearing underwear. What man my age doesn't wear underwear? The sight was an abomination against God, I'll tell you that. The sight ofthe dog mauling his ass, literally was the worst thing I've ever seen. I think I'm blinded for life. No really, I keep seeing these black spots over my eyes. Okay so it's cataracts and my sight is going, but I'm telling you they weren't there until that dog did that thing. The guy's okay I guess, but let me tell you, I feel so sorry for the nurse who has to stitch his balls back on, you have no fucking idea.
So now that I'm traumatized, I went and made myself some margaritas because I need it after that. I'm not sure what's going to happen to that dog, but I'm guessing at the very least he's going to need his stomach pumped. I should ask you about your most traumatic experiences that made you go blind, but I'm not quite sure I want to know the answers. Well nah, go ahead. Tell me the most disgusting thing you've ever seen. Oh! I remember going to the zoo when I was 9 or something and seeing this hippo take a shit in the water, and it was someone had let out a hose of shit, it just sprayed like a machine gun. Yeah, that was damn traumatic too. It's a wonder that I wasn't blind long before this. Hell I didn't even see that kind of thing in Vietnam, and I saw a lot of men who had some really bad things happen to them. After all the things I've seen, I'm not sure there's enough alcohol in the world to put up with all of it. I don't know how you kids do it. And by kids I mean every single one of you because you're all way younger than me.
I want some fucking pumpkin pie. |
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[Oct. 26th, 2009|07:11 pm] |
I'm supposed to write in this damn thing, aren't I? I'm not sure what the hell to write about, it's not like my life is fascinating. At least not anymore. If you ask me about something from the past I'm sure you'll get a much better answer then what I did today. Today I just sat around and watched soap operas. Oh but then some of those damn jehovah's witnesses came by. So I got out my bong and asked them if they wanted to come in and smoke a bowl. They left in a hurry. They're so damn annoying. Like I want to know about religion at my age. I've been there, done all of that. I'm not going to radically change my ways, at this age. That's just ridiculous. People don't have any common sense anymore, myself included. I haven't forgot anything from my life, or the names of any of my kids or grandkids, but hell if I can remember common sense. I guess it's one of those senile things. I can do all these mean things and no one gives a damn because they just assume that I'm senile anyway.
For the record, I'm not entirely against Christmas. I just think that when you're my age, people should buy you presents and I should just give out money. Like hell I want to go out to a mall and shop with all those people. Though I do admit I like to sit on one of the benches with someone and make fun of all the idiots that pass by. There's a whole lot of them and they always wait until the last minute to shop. That's because they don't like you enough to go out and remember to buy you something before December 24th, dumbass. If malls gave out free martinis then I'd go and be happy about buying all you people something. Hell if you get me drunk enough, I'll go anywhere and do anything. That's how they got me in that strip club that one time. Male strip club, thank you. Though there was that time in the 60s.
Okay, I've given the hell up on having any of this make sense. I'm just kind of typing. And yes it did take me an hour to write this whole thing, so you should read it all and be damn happy about it. |
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[Oct. 12th, 2009|07:27 pm] |
Spam / Anon / Whatevers |
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